Twas the night before Sexmas, and God it was neat The kids were both gone, and my wife was in heat.
The doors were all bolted, and the phone off the hook It was time for some nooky, by hook or by crook.
Momma in her teddy, and I in the nude
Had just hit the bedroom and reached for the lube.
When out on the lawn there arose such a cry
That I lost my boner and poor momma went dry.
Up to the window I sprang like an elf
And tore back the shade while she played with herself.
The moon on the crest of the snowman we'd built
Showed a broom up his ass, clean up to the hilt!
When what to my wondering eyes should appear
But a rusty old sleigh and eight mangy reindeer.
With a fat little driver half out of his sled
A sock in his ear, and a bra on his head.
Sure as I'm speaking, he was as high as a kite
And he yelled to his team, but it didn't sound right.
Whoa Shithead, whoa Asshole, whoa Stupid, whoa Putz, Either slow down this rig or I'll cut off your nuts!
Look out for the lamp post, and don't hit the tree Quit shaking the sleigh, 'cause I gotta go pee.
They cleared the old lamp post, the tree got a rub Just then Santa leaned out and threw up on my shrub.
And then from the roof we heard such a clatter
As each little reindeer now emptied his bladder.
I was donning a jacket to cover my ass
When down the chimney Santa came with a crash.
His suit was all smelly with perfume galore
He looked like a bum and he smelled like a whore.
"That was some brothel," he said with a smile
"The reindeer are pooped, mind if just stay here awhile?"
He walked to the kitchen, poured himself a drink
Then whipped out his pecker and pissed in the sink.
I started to laugh, my wife smiled with glee
The old boy was hung nearly down to his knee.
Back in the den, Santa reached in his sack
But his toys were all gone, and some new things were packed.
The first thing he found was a pair of false tits
The next was a handgun with a penis that spits.
A box filled with condoms was Santa's next find
And a six pack of panties, the edible kind.
A bra without nipples, a penis extension
And several other things that I shouldn't even mention.
A Cock ring, a G-string, and all types of oil,
A dildo so long, it lay in a coil.
"This stuff ain't for kids, Mrs. Santa will shit.
So I'll leave 'em here, and then I'll just split."
He filled every stocking and then took his leave
With one tiny butt plug tucked under his sleeve.
He sprang to his sleigh, but his feet were like lead
Thus he fell on his ass and broke wind instead.
In time he was seated, and took the reigns of his hitch
Saying, "Take me home Rudolph, this nights been a BITCH!"
The sleigh was near gone when we heard Santa shout,
"The best thing about sex is that it never wears out!"
